my therapist is leaving in June.

it's bringing up all these emotions. i feel so panicked that he's leaving. i met him the first time i went inpatient - i was rolled into the ER and there he was. two and a half years ago. we've been through so much together and about eight months ago we really hit our stride. and now he's leaving. i've known he was leaving forever, but it was always way down the line. now it's here. fuck.

the thought of starting over with someone new is absolutely daunting. meeting someone new. telling a stranger personal things. playing "chess," something i do that i can't help. and it takes me for.ever. to trust someone. forever. i don't want to waste a year just learning to trust someone. but i don't know how to trust any faster.

i've had five therapists over my lifetime. they all sucked majorly except for him. so i'm at about 20%. what are the odds of finding a good fit now? am i going to have to go through five people and two-three years to find another good one?

i hate to admit it, but i'm having all these desperate thoughts. like, if i try to kill myself, he won't leave. he'll come to my side at the hospital and promise to stay. or if i get skinny enough, he'll be so worried that he will want to stick around to make sure i'm ok. i know this is bullshit and even if i die his ass is leaving, but i just feel so lost at the thought of him being gone. there's just going to be this huge hole.

i have mad abandonment issues to begin with. i have no idea how i'm going to deal.

starving + bleeding