i am hurting so much right now.

i don't know what my problem is. i want to crawl into a hole and die. or cut. or burn. or whatever. i've been walking around with eyes full of tears for days now, and i am completely clueless as to why.

although i do know part of it. my body. for about a year now i've been hovering around "normal" and i just can't take it anymore. all i see is hideousness from head to toe. i used to love to shop and now i hate it - nothing looks good to me because i know it won't look right on me. i feel listless and frustrated and depressed and angry because i don't like the way i look and i feel helpless to change it.

i am not fucking helpless anymore. i have tried it both ways...i'm picking thin over normal. and maybe that feeling of accomplishment will help assauge this horrible pain inside.

i really fucking hope so.

starving + bleeding