i'm just....i don't know....speechless.

my mom and i have always had a terrible relationship. i won't get into the gory details but she was made growing up quite the traumatic experience. She was (is?) hateful, jealous and constantly competed with me for any male attention, be it my father, boyfriends, or my H. When i was dating my H she told him on a number of occasions that he could do way better than me, and when i was in the hospital she told him that he should leave and go take a vacation. When she and my dad split up early last year any attempts i made to stay out of it was met with screaming and accusations. She made an attempt at suicide and left a note saying goodbye to my brother as her "only child" and a bunch of ripped up pictures of me. she has taken up drinking in earnest and will often call me at work at 10:30am, wasted.

i have finally come to terms with the fact that no matter how much i have always wanted it, we will never have a loving relationship. i have done my best to disentangle myself from her, but i still can't shake the feeling of being obligated to her as her daughter, so i will still see her on occasion, maybe once every couple months or so. every time is awkward, stilted and i hate every second.

so she calls me at work friday morning and announces to me that we have a horrible relationship (well, duh) and that her health is going downhill and i obviously will not be willing to take care of her as i clearly don't love her despite all she's done for me. she says she'll be moving out to CA to my brother and her "Real" family, seeing as how it's clear she doesn't have any family here. i don't call, i don't care and i've left her all alone in her time of need. the fact that my h and i have decided to stay here has made her decision to leave extremely clear. My brother is the only one who really cares about her and he will take care of her.

so i let her get all that out and i don't say anything. she's done and she's waiting for me to say something, but i have nothing to say. she keeps saying "i'm sorry if this makes you angry" and "aren't you angry?" and i keep saying "no" because i'm not. i'm not angry at all. i'm fucking relieved to get her out of my life and hope i never see her again. i can't wait for her to leave. but these thoughts make me feel so awful! a daughter is not supposed to feel that way about her mother!!

after i say i'm not angry a few times she starts crying about how she's right about me and how i'm a terrible daughter and how i should be ashamed of myself. she should just go kill herself so she won't be a burden on family that obviously doesn't love her.

i just....don't know. i don't know.

starving + bleeding