i did my certification video for my kickboxing training last night. i mailed it today - i should find out in a month or so if i passed. god i hope so. i've never been so bad at something as i am at kickboxing. i worked so hard to try and present a passable video. i'm not used to being bad at something athletic. it's like when i tried to downhill ski. disaster.

i'm so tired.

my quest for perfection is coming along. i haven't had any alcohol since new year's and am not planning any in the future. fuck AA. that shit doesn't work - at least not for me. sitting around in a circle bemoaning our alcohol free futures only made me obsess more about it. the past two weeks i haven't given it a second thought. a stressful day here and there, yeah maybe, but i keep breathing my mantra: "it is not worth it."

veganism is also going well...it's a perfect ally to restriction. nothing to eat? oh well i'll just have lettuce.

one day of restriction turns into two, three, and then it's like it never stopped. i breathe in shakily and exhale smoothly. an old game whose pieces were always in place, they just needed a good dusting off. i roll the dice and the game begins again...

starving + bleeding