i'm going to have to fix my car. it'll have to go on my credit card, but there's really no other option. no way can i afford a car payment. no way. and i need a working car. so that's it. this really sucks.

i had my six week appointment this morning, which of course only added to my stress. every six weeks i go see my medical doctor to follow up my ED. weights, blood tests, urine tests, ECG, the works. every time i dread going. my doc is really sweet but me and my body are at complete odds. it says i am sick - but i'm not!! yes, i purge way too much but i am FAT!! her scale says terrible numbers and i want to cry cry cry.

although she was thrilled i've finally started taking a multivitamin and calcium. so i guess that's something.

with the stress of everything and my emotions flying all over i had to cut tonight. t was really understanding about it, which was awesome. but i always worry about explaining it away if someone asks me about it. it's still relatively warm and stupid me cut up my arms.

sometimes it scares me how much i love the sight of blood trails down my arm and dissolving into my bath water. it is just too beautiful.

starving + bleeding