had to go see my medical doctor today. fucking nightmare.

i have to go every six weeks for follow up for my ED. every six weeks, weigh in, blood tests, EKG, pee in a cup, the works. i hate it. i like my doctor, but i just hate it. i feel like i'm wasting everyone's time. i quite obviously don't HAVE an eating disorder - i'm too fucking FAT! she probably wonders why the hell i'm in her office.

and of course the absolute WORST is getting on that scale. i saw a number i haven't seen in years, and not in a good way. i started to cry immediately and have been crying on and off all day. yesterday i cried because i tried on clothes for an hour and couldn't find anything that fit right.

i can't stand being inside this skin a moment longer. i don't care what it takes. i am not going through this EVER again!! fuck everything. i don't care if i never eat again.

starving + bleeding