per our counselor's instructions, t and i went on a "date" today. it was nice. we went to this little town nearby that we used to go to a lot, it has cute little shops and a gorgeous lake and a sweet little hotel that has a bar/restaurant. we walked around a bit in the nice day and then had lunch. i did ok, i made absolutely sure not to eat too much so i wouldn't feel too full.

it was nice to be with him. he was telling me about the work he's doing in therapy, and about this support group he's been going to, for family members of those with mental illnesses (through NAMI, for those of you familiar with that). i'm proud of him, he's really working hard.

i wish i could sort out my thoughts on this. when i'm with him, i think, well, maybe it really could work out. when i'm not, i think maybe not. but we're MARRIED! i should WANT it to work out. but part of me feels like maybe i'm past this already. Or are those thoughts the product of being scared? i know that i'm deathly afraid of ending up in the same position again. is my mind playing tricks on me to keep me safe from that? Is my mind telling me "give up, move on, it's not going to work" in order to protect me from the possibility of being so badly hurt again? or is that truly my gut instinct that i should listen to?

ack. i can't stand this, my thoughts swirling all around, back and forth. this kind of ambivalence/uncertainty is what destabilizes me off into b/p and SI-land...but the more i think about it the less i can sort it out.

starving + bleeding