i had a little breakthrough in group today.

i can't make eye contact with the other four people in the group. or the Dr. that's the leader. i can't. it hurts. it hurts to make eye contact with them.

i haven't figured out why it hurts.

but i know that i don't want to be seen. that little tug that everyone feels, that urge to connect with others, i don't feel that. maybe i once did, but it's long been buried underneath fear. fear of being seen. but i don't know what i'm afraid OF. what will happen if i'm "seen?" i don't know.

but i do think that has a hell of a lot to do with my ED. i want to disappear. i don't want to be seen.

that's something. now the next question -

Why?

What am i afraid of? What bad thing will happen?

Where did this fear start? Why?
w

starving + bleeding