i taught another class today - a couple mistakes (one obvious). i have to get better at this. in order for me to get certified, they have to videotape me teaching a class, then it gets mailed in to be assessed and they ("they" being national headquarters) decide whether to pass or fail me. Mistakes = failure. plus the kicker is you're not allowed to stop the tape in between songs, so if i mess up the last song, the whole tape's no good. i'm practicing again tomorrow and teaching again on Monday.

i really enjoy it, but it's hard!! The class itself is a wicked workout, then trying to shout out instructions and do everything full out is so taxing. Today they were laughing at how sweaty i was. it was pretty nasty, but hey, at least it's calories right?? there's about 3 seconds b/t songs, so there's no time for me to catch my breath or take a drink of water. i hope i don't end up passing out.

One of the good things is that it's really important to me to be in top form for the class. So i make sure to eat something, and keep it down. that usually means i eat something pretty nutritious, but don't overdo it. if only i could do that the other 23 hours of the day.

one of the reasons why i stopped drinking was because i really wanted to try this special kind of group therapy, called systems centered therapy. The MD said i couldn't be drinking as much as i was and expect therapy (any kind, really) to work. He said that i would see a drastic improvement in mood. well that may be the case for most people but the exact opposite is true for me. i am so fucking depressed all the time! i cry EVERY SINGLE NIGHT and just feel terrible and awful and want to do terrible things. i haven't had a drink in three weeks and it just seems to be getting worse. last time i gave up drinking i ended up in the hospital about a month into it. i remember why now.

can i confess something embarrasing? my MD (my regular therapist that i've seen for a long time, not the new one) went out of town and forgot to write me new prescriptions, so he sent them to me in the mail. i didn't throw the envelope they came in with my address written on it, instead i put it by my bed. last night i was feeling so sad and lonely and was crying all over myself when i picked up the envelope and held it. and for some reason i felt a little better. i don't have love or sexual feelings for him, but for some reason to hold something he touched made me feel a little less lonely. yes, i know i'm super lame.

i miss writing letters. there was nothing better than getting a letter in the mail. now all i get is bills. yuck.

does anyone want to be pen pals? yes i know, hello dorkness. but it doesn't hurt to ask...only say yes if you're really gonna do it...

starving + bleeding