i came home.

we had a super long talk. he promised that he'd never talk to me like that again. he has a week to get himself into counseling.

what can i say. i crumbled. i wanted to come home so badly. all the pressure and pain from my parents broke me down so much.

now i feel embarrassed. embarrassed that i gave in. that i believed what he's saying, when he's said that so many times before. but THIS time is different.

i feel like i've let everyone down. everyone said i was so strong, that i was doing the right thing, everyone that was so supportive. i feel like i've failed them. i feel like if it does happen again i'll be all alone with no one to blame but myself. should have listened the first time.

one more chance. he screws up, i'm gone forever. he knows this. i feel like i needed this one last chance, to know that i did absolutely everything in my power to save this marriage. if he fucks it up, i'll be able to walk away, dust my hands off, and never look back.

but part of me wants him to mess up. this is the part that is sick. this is the part that wants to be alone so i can continue on my path to self-ruination. if i'm alone, i can carve myself up, drink myself into a stupor, and starve and purge wildly. i can be left alone to die. this is what i secretly want. now it's just stolen moments, me sneaking around like a criminal because i can not do these things out in the open, not when my life is reflected on another human being. i want to be alone so i can slowly put an end to all this misery that currently is bottled up. i know all this is wrong, and that's why the other half of me prays that he doesn't mess up.

my MD and i talk a lot about dichotomy, about all the conflicts and battles that go on inside me. it's an impossible way to live. is it any wonder i try to place the responsibility on someone else? he behaves, i live. he messes up, i die.

except he's behaving and i still want to die. what the fuck is up with that?

starving + bleeding