i'm very depressed. stressed to the max. huge anxiety. i'm waking up in the middle of the night, freaking out because the house isn't clean enough. i'm scrubbing the bathroom at 3 am. i can't fall asleep because every time i lie down i obsess over whether or not i should do fifty more leg lifts. i finally get up and do them and then lie back down and obsess over whether i should do fifty more. t must think i have a bladder problem because i'm getting up every five minutes and going to the bathroom (to exercise). all day at work all i could think of is whether my bookcase was properly alphabetized. i had to keep checking. i put off eating. i'll eat in ten minutes. twenty. after my meeting. when i get home. maybe.

all this of course is swirling around because of my marriage. he hates me he loves me he hates me he loves me. i am broke. i'm dependent on him financially. i'm scared to tell my parents what's going on. i'm embarrased to tell my friends. they all want to know how awesome married life is. fine, fine i say and change the subject. i can't lie and i can't tell the truth. i can't sleep and i can't cry. so i think about cleaning. leg lifts. how long i can go without eating. the alphabet. anything other than what's going on.

because when i think about what's going on i'm suicidal. very. not because of what he says or does, directly. i don't want to kill myself because of his words and phrases. i do because inside my heart is such a dismal awful pain that to turn my mind inward for a split second causes me to gasp in emotional agony. i can't think about it because i feel like i'll die. really.

so for the time being, my mind is keeping itself busy by obsessing about anything else. thank god - it's its own strange way of keeping me safe.

starving + bleeding