the things he says just whirl around my head. he won't go to counseling, he says there's no point in wasting the money. he said he was "done" with me. then he said he wanted to "wait and see" how things go. how things are supposed to improve without help is beyond me. he keeps saying people don't change. nevermind that's all i'm trying to do - i'm trying to change, trying to stop cutting, i haven't had a drink in two weeks and am doing great with that. he was stressing me and i said i was going to go to the gym...he said "why should you need to go to the gym to take stress out - that's just like cutting." i tried to explain that many people ("normal" people) use exercise for stress relief but apparently, i have severe mental problems if i need to do that. he says again and again that he won't change, that i am going to have to adjust myself to HIM. he says that he knows why i married him. i married him because i knew no one else would want me. my mom knows this too, that's why she was upset when we broke up earlier this year. he said that if he told anyone about me they would ask him why he didn't run away screaming.

my eating has not been good. i'm slipping back into restricting, as comforting as an old glove. i need to lose weight anyway. it's nice to have something to think about besides the state of my relationship. i'm just not losing fast enough and it's pissing me off.

starving + bleeding