again. another weekend of fighting.

i told him i was thinking about going to church this weekend. true, i haven't been in a long time but for whatever reason it's been on my mind this week.

he was like, "now church? every day is something different. one day you decided to be vegan. another day you decided to dye your hair. now you want to go to church. you are the most unstable person ever. you are lost in your life. i can't take this...this is the borderline talking" etc.

it's true, i have made changes. but they haven't been for the worse, i think. i don't think there's anything wrong with exploring other sides of yourself, is there? he tells me all the time that my MD is a waste of time, that therapy is a waste of time. i'm finally starting to feel like i'm getting something out of it! He asks why can't you be the same, day in and day out, like me? But he's not. he's moody and unpredictable. i never know who's going to appear, mr. nice or mr. mean.

i am (was) doing perfectly fine controlling my drinking. A glass or two of wine at night, nothing more. but he harrassed me and harrassed me and harrassed me about it, constantly - "why are you drinking, why do you drink, don't you have anything better to do" etc etc so finally i said fuck it and i'm not drinking anymore just because i can't take the constant hassle. am i letting him control me? or am i making a necessary sacrifice to keep the peace in my marriage? i'm trying not to cut, but it's less than an accomplishment for me and more that i don't want to give him anything to yell at me about, any ammunition.

i've been married less than a fucking month and i'm living with dr jeykll and mr hyde. should i stick it out - see if he changes? should i not put up with this a second longer? if i bail, am i giving up too easy? does that mean i don't understand marriage and the commitment it takes? i'm committed - i want nothing more than for us to be happy togther and it makes me sob in fear that that's not going to happen. how long can i wait it out?

i'm afraid to tell any friends or family how bad it is. either i'll feel like an idiot for tolerating it or like an idiot for even considering getting out a month into it.

what bullshit.

starving + bleeding