i sort of tried to kill myself friday night.

i was just...beyond despair. lower than i've ever been, lower than the last time i tried to commit suicide. i couldn't move, i couldn't breathe, i couldn't do anything. i just ached to be free...and the thought came to me that i could be free...

once i had made the decision i became so calm. i felt peaceful having made the choice and set about preparing. i took all the seroquel i had (about 15 pills) and made one pile. i took all the trazadone i had left (about 30 tablets) and made another pile. in between the two sat a brand new bottle of grey goose.

i took the seroquel first, one by one, chasing each pill with a gulp of vodka. after the seroquel was finished i gulped some more vodka. then i started on the trazadone. i got to maybe the fifth pill and i just started puking and puking...over and over for about five minutes. all the vodka, all the pills floating in my toilet. when i was done i crawled back to the pile of traz. i still wanted to take them. i stared and stared and stared.

then i looked at my phone. before i could talk myself out of it i called my friend. she kept me on the phone until she got here and then she put me to bed.

strangely enough the next morning i felt a little better...almost like i got something out of my system or something. i'm back to feeling pretty dreary, but at least i had somewhat of a reprieve.

i'm seeing my doctor tomorrow. i really don't want to tell him. i'm afraid that he'll either overreact and try to put me in the hospital, or he'll underreact and act like it wasn't that big a deal (he does that sometimes) and i think i'd be hurt if he blew it off. what to do....

starving + bleeding