big blowup over the weekend with t - basically comes down to two things - he is having a hard time dealing with my moods being all crazy all the time (not that i blame him at all...hell i wouldn't want to live with me) and the fact that i have planted my feet in stone when it comes to further planning of the wedding. anytime anyone suggests anything regarding the wedding i feel ready to vomit. i just can't move forward - i feel like making one more plan, like deciding what color the centerpieces should be or honeymoon plans or picking out a fucking guestbook awakens sheer terror. it's like i can't make any further commitment to this thing. i say "thing" but it's my relationship!! what is my fucking deal!! and t is feeling hung out to dry - again, can't blame him.

i just don't feel ready, i guess. i'm still such a child in so many ways, i have no business playing dress up in a wedding dress when it involves a wonderful kind man like t. i haven't even been able to commit to staying on this Earth for any length of time...what am i doing - how did i get in this position?? i think also i know deep down that he doesn't really really know me, know what he's getting into...he thinks he knows and bless his heart, he sees what he wants to see. i feel like i need to protect him - from me.

totally unrelated-

last night i sliced up my knee pretty bad - i'm thinking now stiches would prolly have been helpful but too late now...plus that would've meant telling t and i don't do that anymore. i really don't know what happened - just the urge was so fucking strong...i've been distracted with this new job thing but the real world of my head is starting to bleed through...

poor choice of words, sorry.

starving + bleeding