ok...so...

i started my new job on thursday - it is such an alien world...offices, phone calls, nine to whenever, the constant smiling and schmoozing, all of it...

i don't know how i did it before (it's been a year since i worked in my "professional" field). i feel like since then whatever it was in me that propelled me from day to day is broken and can't be serviced. one thing is definite - i don't have alcohol anymore to help me limp through...that one or two or twelve glasses of wine at the end of the day to block out everything weighing on me. after work on both thurs and fri i came home and broke down into tears. so much for being ecstatic about being a contributor to the world.

plus, did i mention i don't know a damn thing about what i'm doing? like most professional schools, law school does nothing to actually teach about how to work in the legal field or develop any actual skills...so there i am, getting cases dumped in my lap with no idea what to do with them...with god knows what relying on me. i ask as many questions as i can, but it's getting ridiculous. i need my hand held, i can't do this on my own. and that is pitiful.

much to my surprise, they bought the "dynamic upstart young attorney" song and dance i gave them during my interview hook line and sinker - so now i'm fucked.

i should have just gone on disability. i'm not cut out for this working world anymore. i'm quite the imposter...and my facade is tarnished already...

starving + bleeding