as a follow up to my last entry....

last night i paged him - the first time i have ever done that, or had any contact with him outside of our sessions...anyway, he called me back and i asked if i could see him for a little bit and he said ok.

i met him over at the clinic and i just told him that this whole medical doctor thing was FREAKING me out and i said flat out that i didn't want to do it. and he was fine with that! he asked me if i was scared to go, and i'm like "hell yeah" and he asked me what i was scared of, and i didn't say anything because i just don't know. i told him that i felt he was positioning himself to try and take my ed away from me, and it's MINE goddamnit, how dare he? he was really sweet and gentle and said that it is still mine, and the cutting and burning are still mine...god i just had this panicked feeling that he was going to steal my children or something (if i had kids)

he apologized for dumping this huge thing on me, especially at the end of our session, and he was sorry he went way too fast...that was pretty big of him, i guess. i re-read my last entry, and on paper it doesn't sound like that big a deal, but i swear it was like my world was coming to an end.

he said he'd back off and we'd just approach it slowly, just like everything else we've talked about. i feel a lot of relief, but i still feel a little gunshy - like i might walk into monday's session and i'll have to talk about it again...

i've given his access to so much i'm really wondering if i should give him any more. i'm really starting to feel threatened.

starving + bleeding