i've done sooo much thinking - and i think i may have hit on some truth...

i resent t because he forces me to be less self destructive. not due to anything he says or does, but every time i think of doing something, cutting, ODing, whatever, i frame it in the context as to how it will affect him. i think about how upset he is when i cut and i put the razor down (most of the time). i think of him finding me passed out due to too many pills and him having to deal with it...so i try and keep the cupboard closed...

i'm not doing it for me - it's because of him. if i were single, i could drink myself crazy, carve myself as much as i wanted, never eat, and take as many pills as i damn well please. and i resent that he takes that away from me. he's taking away from me the freedom to self destruct and I HATE IT.

i've actually considered breaking up with him because of this. Can you imagine? giving up a beautiful, kind, supportive (usually) future husband because i'd rather be by myself and just ruin myself as much as possible.

this blows.

starving + bleeding