yeah so i'm back. went to the city to check out job prospects (none) and to see a few old friends whom i hadn't seen in years. that was kind of cool, but when you visit old friends all you pretty much end up doing is reminiscing about the past and the good times which is a little sad. just another reminder about how fucking complicated life is now.

i took myself off the klonopin so i could drink, and boy did i drink. mmmmm it was so good, but the sad thing is with all that alcohol i barely even got a buzz, which is ricockulous. now i'm faced with what to say to my "team" do i lie and say i never touched a drop? do i tell the truth and say i drank some? do i REALLY tell the truth and say that i took myself off one of my meds in order to drink? please advise....

i don't want them to feel like they are wasting their time on me. but maybe they are, i was always a willful person. but i've put myself back on the klonopin, so now i'm not going to drink, right? right?

i don't even really think the meds are even helping that much. i still feel apathetic, depressed, and like i'm going to die any second. isn't that supposed to go away? i still have doubts about how a chemical can keep thoughts like "this building is about to explode" or "any minute a masked gunman is going to come in and shoot us all" from jumping into my brain. i guess all they can do is sedate me to the point where i don't think. at all.

they haven't even asked about my eating. which of course means i'm too fat for an ED to even cross their minds. fuck em.

i took a shitload of psych tests and was about 95% honest, which surprised me. my counselor and i only got about halfway through the results - the last thing we got to said that i was delusional (!!) which came as a huge surprise. delusional?? about what, exactly??

on the tests i confessed to starving, the occasional purge, and cutting. so far nothing has been said.

man i wish i had never gone down this road.

starving + bleeding