i saw the substance abuse counselor today. it was a very sort of out of body experience. i saw myself sitting there telling her so matter of factly about how i drink, how much i drink, why i drink...sitting there with my legs crossed with a slight half smile on my face, the index finger on my right hand twirling a piece of my hair. it was like i was talking about the weather. she wrote things down on her yellow piece of paper and went mmm-hmm and asked me questions. of the three (THREE!) mental health "professionals" i've seen in the last week i think i like her best because we actually had a conversation, she asked me questions. with the other two they say "how are things?" and i talk and then when i'm done talking they nod and sit in silence. then no one talks for awhile. it's ridiculous. but at least with the lush counselor i was able to not cry the whole time. i didn't shed one tear. i almost did, when she asked me about my brother that died, but then i searched in my backpack for a bottle of water and that was sufficient distraction to keep the waterworks at bay.

i also saw the shrink, who thought she was seeing me for the first time. it feels great to be remembered. she told me under no uncertain terms am i to drink on this medication. i need to do some research to find out what would happen if i do, cause damn i need a drink right now...

seeing the counselor tomorrow. god if one more person asks me how i'm feeling i think i may vomit.

finished "the picture of dorian gray" very good. very disturbing ending. i knew it was going to end the way it did yet it still bothered me. i like that.

starving + bleeding