well, i broke my unbreakable rule.

i'm on psych meds. god i hate even typing those words. i swore i never would go on them. but here i am.

the breakthrough came when i met with my couselor today and she asked me to explain why psych meds were so bad when i clearly over-self-medicate with alcohol. "Surely," she said, "the meds could be no more destructive than all the drinking you're doing." i opened my mouth to respond and then shut it. she was right. absolutely. i was self medicating. surely the alcohol could be no better than the meds. and taking a half pill once a day - is that really worse than drinking for 12 hours straight? tough questions. so i gave in. i gave into the man, to our overmedicated society. i have fallen.

now i have a psychiatrist and a substance abuse couselor (i can't drink on these meds, so the shrink thinks i need a little "extra" support) and a regular counselor. and meds.

two weeks ago i was on my own. now i feel so overwhelmed.

is a little pill really going to keep me from feeling like i'm going to die from any number of violent ways? i guess i'm skeptical.

i just wish i could talk about this without bawling my eyes out. that part really sucks. i need to be carrying some ecomony-size kleenex with me. i'm a walking waterfall.

plus, i'm going to graduate in two months! what the hell am i going to do then?? find my own shrink? and pay for it with what money??

btw - if anyone has had any experience with lexapro and/or clonazepam i'd appreciate any insight.

starving + bleeding