this is scary.

the apathy is something real, something that i have always felt, but it has never never been like this.

the reason i haven't updated in five days is that i have not been out of bed in five days. i haven't eaten or left my house at all. this is my first time to go to class in ages. how stupid is this!??! i'm this close to graduating and i am this close to fucking it all up!! i...just...can't.

i don't know what's happened. i went to talk to the counselor on wednesday and ever since then i have been utterly depressed...like a low i haven't felt in years. yeah, i mean, i've been depressed, but i could usually put on a good front, i could appear functional...i just can't anymore, it takes too much energy. i left the counselor's office on wednesday and went home and cried for several hours. then i went on a 12 hour drinking binge and hooked up with several strangers. it was like i completely panicked, i felt so exposed so vulnerable i had to do something so i got drunk and whored myself out...and then i stayed in bed for five days...

and i still feel awful.

i'm supposed to see her again tomorrow. i don't know if i can go through this again.

really.

starving + bleeding