so i'm reading this book about alcoholism (thanx dani!) and it is seriously it is one of the more painful things i've ever done. because she describes all this stuff and these awful things that happen and page after page i'm faced with what i've done, those horrible memories that won't go away no matter how hard i try of how things got fucked up, ruined because of me being STUPID. every word is a reminder of the mess i've made of my life. i really want to stop reading the book but i'm forcing myself to keep going, almost as a punishment. i deserve this. i've done terrible things and now i deserve to have it all thrust back in my face. i deserve this pain, this anguish, this utter embarrassment and humilation.

am going out tomorrow with friends. let's see if i've learned anything.

starving + bleeding