faces come out of the rain.
when you're strange.

reasons why i am STILL sick (after having been sick for two weeks):

*ahem*

1. i have not been eating and thus my body does not have the caloric energy to fight this infection

2. i am so stir crazy and desperate for distraction that i insist on going out until 8 am, sleeping a few piddly hours and then getting up and start running around again

3. i cannot go more than a few days without poisoning my body with alcohol (last night: two bottles of wine, five shots, and 14 beers consumed by yours truly)

4. i have started smoking again.

i'm sure there are other reasons, but these are the major ones. tomorrow's monday so yet another fresh start. i finished a pack of cigs last night (well, at about 6.30 this morning, but it was still night as far as i was concerned) and i haven't bought a new pack. and i'm not going to. right? right. and again, my kitchen is now drained of alcohol again, and i'm not going to buy any more. right? right.

funny, at this exact moment as i was writing that i was listening to bitter sweet symphony. the part where he keeps repeating "i can change i can change i can change" huh. appropriate. i think about how long i have hated and struggled with my body. 12 years. 12 years is a long time to hate and struggle against anything. do i want to spend the next 12 struggling with all this extra shit?? it's already been....fuck. at least eight. fuck. i didn't even realize it's been that long.

i don't want to lie on my deathbed and know that my life was one big struggle against all these unforeseen demons that exist in my own head. wouldn't that be the biggest waste ever?

although the weight coming off now may make all this a moot point. i'm not even trying anymore. eating doesn't even, i don't know, cross my mind. i am shrinking more and more but i can't see the difference or feel the difference. my clothes are perpetually looser and looser but i look down and UGH it's just all nastiness and fat. my only proof is the scale...the scale that not only measures my weight, but how happy i will be that day or whether or not i will run for hours and hours until i get the number i want.

such power for an inanimate object. hmph. i remember the first time i quit smoking, when i was 16, a friend asked me why i was quitting. i said "because i don't like the idea of an inanimate object having control over me." well i still don't like the idea. but there are more and more lifeless things that control my life now than i could have ever imagined.

whoa this is one random entry. sorry for the complete disconnection y'all, just having a bad case of mental incontinence today.

starving + bleeding