last night i was lying awake (i've had the worst insomnia lately) and i realized. i'm not hungry. i have no appetite whatsoever. for some reason that made me sad. because it's not only food that i don't have an appetite for. it's everything.

i started thinking about how i always craved everything. i craved food, love, attention, knowledge, travel, life experience, affection, everything. i craved it and wanted it so bad, all of it. i wanted to devour my friends so they would be mine and only mine forever, so they could never leave me. i wanted to hug my lovers so tight that their bones would crush into mine and i could keep them hidden within me. i would eat to the point of explosion but still i wanted more. i always felt so panicked - must hang on, must get more, I NEED MORE. always this hunger, always this craving, for everything.

now it's gone. i have no appetite for life, for the things i once was ravenous for. and it's sad. because as painful and out of control all those desires were, they were inextricably linked to a will to live. a will to try. now that will is gone. i don't know when it left - i just happened to realize it late last night as the moonlight penetrated the sheets i use as curtains and made strange patterns on my bed. the driving force has left me. or did i abondon it first?

starving + bleeding