oh how i miss being able to come here every day!! i sit at my computer at the office so tempted, so very very tempted, but no, i can't take the risk that they are monitoring my internet use, i just can't, so i have to wait until the weekend when i can get away and go to the coffeeshop and sit for hours and pour over all my favorite sites...

i tried writing things down on paper, it just isn't the same, i can't write as fast as i think so all my thoughts get jumbled up and i just stare at a blank page. when i type my fingers fly along with my thoughts unbridled and things i didn't even know i was thinking about come out and it feels like such a release.

still losing thank god. getting up at 5am every morning sucks big time but it gets my ass to the gym so i can try and work some of this fat ass off. try real damn hard. last fri i was on this machine called the gauntlet, which makes actual stairs to climb. after ten minutes i started to feel really dizzy and the next thing i know someone is standing over me with a heart monitor. i felt ok, i got right up but i was so embarrassed i thought i would die of shame...now when i go the attendants are going to be "keeping an eye on me." fucking wonderful.

it feels good to be back on track though...feels normal, feels in control. last week one of the other interns was talking about how she used to take hydroxycut "not for weightloss purposes, of course, because i'm at a good weight, but to help give me energy to exercise" then she has the FUCKING NERVE to reach over and tap me on the shoulder and say "oh, but you should check it out because it does burn more calories." oh man if other people weren't around i would have fucking killed her. who has the fucking gall to say shit like that??? of course i didn't eat a speck the rest of the day. fuck her, it burns more calories...she can kiss my cheesecake ass.

i'm setting a goal to lose six more pounds this week. let's bring it.

starving + bleeding