no matter where i go, no matter what i do, i will always find the nearest coffeeshop to drag my laptop to and drink coffee and use the wireless internet and be pretentiouss. yes. this is my idea of a good life.

internship #2 starts tomorrow. i moved into my sublet yesterday. the first thing i saw were two roaches. now that's a homecoming i could do without. the guy who lives there had told me that he was leaving everything, i only need to bring my clothes and stuff. bullshit. there were no sheets, no blankets, no pillows, no towels, no fucking dishsoap, NOTHING. so after a terrible drive i had to get back into the car and try to find the nearest walmart. which makes me want to puke anyway, but yesterday was just terrible. but the one thing is, at least it has cable. i spent last night drinking bud light and watching vh1. could definitely get used to that. oh, and i watched top gun too. yup yup.

damn i have gotten fat. i keep thinking about how i'm going to see some old friends in six weeks, and they are all going to see how fat i've gotten - then they will talk about it amongst themselves. waaaah. i do have six weeks, however. unsupervised. i'm in a strange city where i have no friends to monitor my eating. that is attractive - the only catch is at this internship they will take me out to lunch every day. three course lunches. how can i have three courses of salad with no dressing every day without anyone catching on??? at least they give us gym memberships. i will live there when i'm not working. at least that will keep me off the couch eating pringles and watching law and order reruns...and yes, i love reruns!!

i remember opining a couple weeks ago about how long it had been since i had been in a really depressed, maudlin mood. ha. talk about jinxing yourself. i ended up cutting not two days later...i have been feeling pretty low lately...i feel so out of control. my brain is just not attached to my body anymore. i sit back and watch myself binge. i sit back and watch myself get wasted every night. i sit back and watch myself cut, and cry, and treat other people like crap. it's not me. not at all. but who is it??? who is making my body act the way it is and who is making those awful hateful words come out of my mouth? WHO??

starving + bleeding