this has been a tough week so far.

i've been so depressed. as in, i cry because i have to get out of bed depressed. sometimes that means i don't eat at all, which is good. however, this time it's meant that i eat things i shouldn't. i purged a crapton the other day and t found out because he could smell puke in my hair (how sexy is that?!?) and that caused a fight. so now i'm scared to purge. i don't want to start another fight. so what, now i can only purge if i have a chance to take a shower after? ughghghghggg....

i still haven't had a drink. i went to another AA meeting last night, the group that i was going to the last time i quit. they were very welcoming, even though i was so embarrased to come back a miserable failure. i'm already starting to have that internal conversation....you can handle it, you know that you can do it if you really concentrate, you can just cut back, just be a social drinker....the usual bullshit. but i can't and i need to remember that.

i told my friend ages ago that i'd take her out after she took the Bar exam and get her wasted. she's been looking forward to it for two months. we're supposed to go friday - what the hell am i going to do?? take her out and say ok, you drink, but i'm going to have this club soda?? i could say, ok just tonight, but that would wreck all this motivation and momentum that i've got now and knowing myself i won't get it back until something else disasterous happens.

why do i do this to myself?

starving + bleeding