well our country is another year older. a year wiser? heh. we'll see....

my husband told me today that i needed to watch my weight. i know he said it as an incentive to stop drinking, but. he who knows very well about my ED. sometimes i really hate him. but he's right. i'm not underweight, and therefore am not good enough. the truth hurts.

after my race this weekend i'm giving up running. i'll still be working out every day, but the running makes it impossible to eat as little as i want. i did eight miles yesterday. it felt like an amazing accomplishment but my joints are hating me now. too little cartilage to absorb the impact, i imagine. anyway, once the race is over i'll be able to prune my diet more, eat less.

i met with my new therapist this week. my last one, the one i had for 2.5 years left the clinic for California. this should be interesting. this guy developed the specific therapy that my former therapist was using on me, so i suppose you could say he's important. dr. r is very attractive in a distinguished, late 40-something kind of way. beautiful eyes. i definitely work the best with attractive men. it's odd, it's not like i want to sleep with them or anything, but i guess i'm most willing to go along, less antagonistic. ugly men creep me out and women intimidate me.

he asked me where i cut and i said all over. he looked at me and said, well you don't cut on your arms. i looked at him in disbelief and looked down at my arms, covered in welts and scars that you can see from a mile away. he followed my gaze and said well....i guess i didn't see those....

i cut on my ribcage last week in the bath. it felt pretty fucking good.

i told my psychMD that i hid my cutting from t. he asked well, how come he doesn't see it? i told him - we don't have sex, so he doesn't see my body. (btw - talking about sex with an attractive MD the first time you meet = awkward) he repeated "you don't have sex?" with an incredulous tone. yes we don't have sex. why not? does one want it more than the other? no. he's on medication that depresses his interest, and i don't want to be seen or touched. ever.

ever.

he thought it was interesting that i didn't want to be seen. he asked if anyone ever "saw" me. i said yes. who? my former psychMD. and then the tears came.

he offered me a klennex. he doesn't know yet. he doesn't know that i never ever take a klennex. if i take a klennex then the floodgates open and that can never ever happen. former doc knew and he stopped offering a long time ago. new doc doesn't know yet.

but he will.

starving + bleeding