i've been working a lot in therapy about feeling mistrustful of everyone and how i feel like everyone is going to leave me.

i am convinced that everyone has ulterior motives. no one would be nice to me if they weren't going to get anything out of it. when i was little my friends came over only because they wanted to play with my toys. they played with them and not with me. when i was a bit older, my friends wanted to copy my homework and cheat on tests by looking at mine. or they'd ask me to go get things for them and then laugh about me when i was gone.

as far as guys, forget about it. all they cared about was getting ass. i'm not flattering myself, that's just how it was. my high school music teacher tried to get me to sleep with him. my voice professor tried to get me to go to bed with him. my voice and movement professor (a female) tried to get me to sleep with her.

i found out my italian boyfriend that i was dating while i was in London (and lost my virginity to) was hoping for a green card.

my friends in law school liked that i was a huge partier. when no one else would go out on a monday night, they knew i would be up for it. whatever drugs they wanted to try, they knew i would do it with them.

my best friends in law school were not students. they were a lesbian couple that i met through one of my law school friends. they were friends with me because they wanted to hook up with me. they constantly tried and tried. then one night i was completely wasted and on painkillers they took me to a party and held me down so a few different men and women could have sex with me. i was only good for their entertainment.

my best friend for 20 years from the fourth grade dumped me because she didn't like my boyfriend. i found out when she de-friended me on myspace.

my other best friend of 14 years dumped me when we had a disagreement about money. we were living together at the time and i came home and she had taken down all the pictures of us and piled all my stuff into the corner.

my dad loves me unconditionally and always has. yet i'm convinced that if i ask him for one more favor or for help he will decide that i'm not worth it and will not love or support me anymore.

i'm convinced if i slip at least once t will get frustrated and leave me. i cut in hidden places and am terrified he will find them.

mistrust and ulterior motives. can you blame me?

starving + bleeding