happy valentine's day!

my medical doc wants me to go into treatment. there is an outpatient day treatment program that's about five minutes from my house. it runs 10:30-6:30 m-f and saturday mornings. i think she's nuts. i am so fucking huge it is ridiculous - there is no way i'm going to go and sit around with 60 pound 13 year olds bemoaning our eating disorders. i'm too old and too fat. if anything, being around all those skinny fuckers is only going to make me worse.

not to mention i'm a goddamn attorney. does she think i can walk away from my caseload for two months, even if i had enough sick time (which i don't)? hellll no. and even if i could, my insurance would only pay 80%, if that much. i can not afford this shit.

yes, i'm almost thirty and i have an eating disorder. but my ekg is ok, and my blood tests come back ok. i am not at death's door.

she says at some point i'm going to have to make recovery a "priority." well i don't make enough as it is, my husband is laid off. if recovery means i won't be able to pay the bills, i guess i'll be sick forever.

starving + bleeding