*sigh*

tuck in, cause this is going to be long.

so, every six weeks i go to my medical doctor who keeps tabs on my body re: my ED. blood work, EKG, urine, weigh ins, the works. i always hate to go because i can not STAND other people knowing my weight, even my MD. the last two times i was supposed to go i chickened out, i was just chock full of anxiety, like hand-shaking anxiety.

anyway, after discussing it at length with my psychMD i get up the nerve to go. This is how it went:

Her: How are you?

Me: i'm not doing too well

Her: You always say that. What's wrong?

Me: i'm purging an awful lot right now

Her: Well, you're maintaining your weight, so you must not be purging too much!

[WHAT THE FUCK!!?!?]

Her: What else?

Me: i can't stop thinking about food, calories, weight, how my clothes fit. i call into work because i can't stand thinking about putting fitted clothes on...

Her: i know what you're problem is!! you have OCD!! you definitely have OCD!! *picks up drug reference book*

Me: i really don't think i have OCD....(is cut off)

Her: oh, you totally do! Let me prescribe you something....

Me: i don't want to be on any more meds!!

Her: but you have OCD!! you should take something!!

Me: i DON'T WANT TO TAKE ANY MORE MEDS!!

Her: let me prescribe Luvox! or Prozac!!

Me: well my psychMD takes care of my meds.

Her: Well, you TELL HIM that i said you MUST be put on LUVOX!! Ok, bye!

what. the. fuck. first that shitty remark about purging. and the fucking shoving a random diagnosis and meds down my throat, not listening at all, and then she didn't even run the fucking tests she was supposed to run! god damn it.

today, i told my psychMD that i refuse to go back to her. uh-uh. my ass is done. he said that's fine, but he says i must go to someone for monitoring. that means i have to start over with someone new, i have to tell another stranger about my ED and another person is GOING TO FUCKING WEIGH ME!!

i told him i didn't think i needed to go see someone, since my own MD didn't think it necessary to run the usual tests. He gave me the "look." he informed me that there are not many rules in my treatment (there aren't) but if i want to stay in treatment, medical monitoring is mandatory. end of story.

so now i have to find another fucking doctor. my psychMD is going to check around and get me some names of doctors who have ED experience. but that doesn't matter. why do i have to go through this?? don't these fuckers know how hard this is!??!

god. damn. it.

starving + bleeding