today in therapy my doc and i were talking about control and choices.

now, i know better than anyone that the only person in charge of me is me. i'm the only one that makes me do or not do certain things. yet i do things (restrict, purge, cut, burn, drink) that i don't want to do. i feel out of control, but i'm the only one IN control. when i feel out of control, it is me making the decisions to cut, etc. so i am actively choosing to cut. i weigh the facts and this is the conclusion i reach. but i don't want to, at least i think i don't want to. but in reality, i DO want to. and that's hard to say. i AM in control. and that control gives me the power to decide to purge.

i hate the concept that i'm powerless and have no control over myself. however, i hate the thought that i actually do want to behave this way even more.

my MD thinks that there's a part of me that doesn't want to give all this up. doesn't want to, is afraid to, doesn't know what else to do or can't imagine another life or way of coping. i think he may be right, but i don't really understand why. why in the world would i want to/choose this kind of existance? why, even though i want to stop, do i choose to keep going?

just throwing that out there....

starving + bleeding