Five days. Five days sober so far. I'm feeling pretty ok about it. But this weekend will be interesting. I haven't gone a weekend without a drink in two years or so.

Therapy yesterday really brought an amazing revelation. I don't know if I'll be able to explain it but I'm going to try.

I have a hard time tolerating strong feelings. An impossible time. Experiencing powerful feelings is what often times leads to cutting, purging, drinking etc. Sometimes even the fear that I MIGHT experience those strong bad feelings leads me to do those destructive things, even before I actually feel them.

We were talking in therapy about how, even after two years, I still can't say the truth about how I feel deep down - I can't ever talk about the "worst of the worst" as I put it. I always thought it was because I didn't know how my MD would react, would he judge me, would he put me in the hospital, etc. I also thought that I feared losing control of the words, the information. Once I spoke the horrible words in my head, I would have no control over the consequences of those words. I still think those things are true, but there is something else, something bigger.

This came to light when he asked me why I didn't bring my journal in. I had brought it in and read a pretty private entry a few months ago. I told him that I swore I would never do it again and he asked why. I explained that I just felt horrible about the whole experience. I had so much horrid anxiety, I felt awfully embarrased and humiliated when I shared what was so private and personal. And to this day my cheeks burned and the embarrassment stung - I swore I could never feel that bad again.

That's when he pointed out that maybe it wasn't my fear of him that prevented me from saying my true thoughts. Maybe it was that I couldn't stand the powerful feelings that accompanied those words - feelings generated inside of me that I just can't tolerate.

And he pointed out that might be why I feel like I can't express my true feelings to anyone about anything. I can't tell a friend that I'm mad at her because I can't stand my own fears that I might lose her or that she might get mad at me. I can't tell someone why I'm sad because of my own fears that they will judge me or hate me or pity me. I just can't tolerate that powerful powerful anxiety. I can't tell people that I purge and cut because of the extreme anxiety that I feel about whether they look down on me.

This is all independant of what people actually think. It doesn't matter if they actually judge or react poorly. They could be completely fine with whatever I say - I still have that crippling fear, and it does not subside even over the passage of time. I still obsess over things I said years ago.

I can't speak because I can not tolerate the intense feelings that come with speaking the deep truth. It has nothing to do with other people. It is all inside me.

I can't stop thinking about this. I feel like understanding this is perhaps the biggest breakthrough I've ever had in therapy.

Now. How do overcome this? That is the next question....

starving + bleeding