i had a dream last night that i was dead. i was walking around like usual, but i knew i was dead. and there was a lot of ice cream. i very very rarely remember my dreams, and when i do it's when i'm having deja vu - experiencing something that i know i dreamed about.

i wonder if it's a premonition. it wasn't scary. if that's what death feels like i can handle that.

things are still going with t. barely. the counselor convinced me that now he's "really aware" of what his behavior is, he will never do it again, he will be able to stop as soon as i let him know he's "doing it." we shall see. in case you can't tell, i'm doubtful. you probably are too.

i was talking to my therapist about it, about how he can be so good most of the time, but there's just this bad part. and he asked me how i'm dealing with that. when we were dating, before we got married, he was all good. when things were so awful before i left, he was all bad. these are things i understand. this good/bad, black/white, on/off thinking is my hallmark (and, i understand, is the hallmark of BPD). the mix, the gray, the in between, is something i can't handle. my dad is all good and i love him. my mom is all bad and i hate her. but i know, logically, that no one is all good or bad. but this is how my head and heart characterize things. and when it's in between is what i can't wrap my head around.

this is something i need to be able to understand. and i need to learn how to handle uncertainty. and ambiguity. because, really, at this point, i can't. these things in my life are huge destablizers and send me off into a wild array of horrible coping mechanisms. because i can't handle in between.

but the whole world is in between. perhaps that's why i never felt like i belonged. i am black and white in a gray world. i need to learn about the gray.

starving + bleeding