i deleted my last entry. a fit of paranoia - i thought better of broadcasting a certain activity over the internet. i'd never done it before and can't believe that i did. like i needed something else to despise myself for.

i ended up purging anyway last night. my head was so loud i couldn't get it to shut up. now i'm paranoid that my roommate heard (i don't know how she wouldn't). i never want to face her again.

i am losing my grip. today was a haze. my legs are covered in cuts that weren't there last night, but i don't really remember doing it. i wandered around the grocery store for about three hours today, but i don't really remember that either. i think i was crying. i'm scared to call the on-call psych - i don't know him and i don't want to end up in the hospital.

my head is so fucking loud!!! i can't get it to shut the fuck up!! i will not drink. i will not!! i feel so desperate...what can i do to shut it up? SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUPTUP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

starving + bleeding