i'm in stamford at the training to be a fitness instructor. today was day 1 and my body is HURTING. i have two more days of this. i don't know how the hell i'm gonna make it.

i guess an upside is i'm not feeling too anxious about food. i know i need to keep food down, i NEED the carbs and the energy. i did purge a little last night, but i was just too too full. maybe if i keep working this hard maybe i'll eventually purge less, if i can convince myself that i'm burning it all off.

who knows. but this fitness thing has kind of been rumbling around my head, shaking things up. i have to admit, i have a lot of anxiety about this. how in the world am i going to stand up in front of people and be an example of fitness??? i need to lose at least twenty pounds!! with all the purging i've done in the last year i've really packed it on, unfortunately.

but now it's not just about improving my body for me. now my body is a tool and it needs to be an example. time for me to treat it as such.

three days without a drink. this training is a blessing - it is keeping me extraordinarily busy, so i'm not craving it too much. but i am worried. the last time i gave up alcohol in earnest, went into AA, about a month into it i took the overdose that landed me in the hospital the first time. I CAN NOT BE ALONE WITH MY THOUGHTS. ever.

how is this ever going to work?

starving + bleeding