if you pardon the Jane Austen paraphrase, it's a truth universally acknowledged that as soon as i commit something to words it all goes to hell.

no purging for three days?? HA HA MOTHER FUCKER! what do you think i did all fucking day long?? you guessed it, purge purge purge, eat some more, and purge...la di da. i will NOT be getting on the scale tomorrow morning, as i don't feel like starting the week wanting to slit my wrists. in spite of all the purging, there's always weight gain involved when i go on benders like this. now i will be spending all week long trying to shed the weight i put on TODAY.

god i fucking hate myself sometimes. strike that. most of the time.

if i could just resist the first urge. once i do it, it's all gone to hell and i do it over and over and over. if i could only not do it once, then i wouldn't see myself doing it the sixth time.

it's like they say in AA: you're only one drink away from your tenth. i'm only one purge away from a hellish day of nonstop purging.

i need to start my own 12 step group: Purgers Anonymous. i admit i am powerless over my urge to purge. i admit that my gag reflex has taken over my life. i am surrendering myself to a higher power known as starvation, in that she may save me from myself.

amen.

starving + bleeding