i am not doing well and i don't know how to do better. every second i'm on the verge of tears. i'm cutting at work. throwing up five times a day (and people at work are trying to solve the mystery as to whom is puking in the ladies' room. no matter how much i clean up after myself they can still tell.) sobbing on a daily basis. screaming in that shrill tone that cracks mirrors. i want out, i want out so bad that it hurts. the entire inside of my body is hurting, i feel like my heart is bleeding pain and seeping everywhere. i want to die. i want to die so fucking bad. slash my wrists out of existence. swallow my medicine chest. stand in the freeway. take a bath in drain cleaner.

there is only one reason i don't. t. i love him so much - i can't do this to him. i can't hurt him. i feel so guilty at even the thought of hurting him. i can't hurt him so here i still am. hating every second and dying to get out.

there's this panic inside my head. over and over "i gotta get out, i can't stand this, i gotta get out, get out, get out, get out, can't stand this, can't stand this, die die die just die just die, get out getoutgetoutgetoutdiediediediegetoutcan'tstandthiscan'tstanditgetoutgetoutgetout...." and it's going around and around in my head, faster faster faster faster...

starving + bleeding