life's been crazy lately....running and running, go this place and that, always trying to catch up, always late, late, late, for a very important date. trying to outrun the darkness and the night that falls no matter what time of day it is. sometimes it works. most times it doesn't.

my MD had to cancel our next session. usually he reschedules but this time he didn't want to. he said the reason he used to reschedule was that he was worried about me. and now he's not. him saying that just sent me up in turmoil. it hurt. i know i should be able to realize that lack of concern does not equal lack of caring. but still. and i'm hurt because he just doesn't get it. i tell him about the constant debate in my head...live or die, live or die, live or die, live or die, cut or burn, stay on sidewalk, walk into traffic with my eyes closed. but he's heard it so much that now he disregards it. i tell him about this raging bulimia phase i'm going through and he just says, "but you're better now, right" and i say of course, because i know it makes him uncomfortable and he doesn't want to talk about it because he doesn't know a damn thing about EDs. any idiot who ever read one line of info about EDs knows that you can't just STOP and that's it - and that it's about lies and pain and anger and frustration and disgust and all these awful feelings and he just hurries on to the next topic.

i'm still drowning in my own mind and he isn't worried.

on another topic

the craziest thing keeps happening - i go to bed at night totally freezing, yet i wake up in the middle of the night and in the morning absolutely drenched in sweat. it's like i'm breaking a fever every damn night. wierd.

starving + bleeding