i'm feeling very paranoid at the moment.

i know exactly why, too. starting last week i started feeling a little overwhelmed, just a little. and that feeling started to grow and grow, just a little bit at a time. until it was so huge that i couldn't stop crying and i couldn't move...as the overwhelming feeling grew, along came more and more anxiety. anxiety because i was overwhelmed, i felt so out of control, i felt like i wass just being thrown around life, and i'm just along for the ride and i had no say whatsoever and absolutely no control...that lack of control leads to me feeling extremely paranoid, like my building is going to explode, if i fall asleep someone will break in and rape and kill me, my car might have a bomb that will go off as soon as i turn the ignition, when i stop at a red light, if i look at the car next to me the driver will get out and beat me to a pulp...you get the idea.

anyway i was able to explain all this to my therapist as my hands shook terribly and my eyes darted around like a FBI informant taking a boat ride with the mob. he was very impressed that i was able to figure it all out, where it comes from, etc. yes yes, that's all very intellectual and nice. but he still was taken aback when a car outside his window backfired and i was so jumpy i fell out of my chair.

see? i TOLD YOU i was paranoid! i think he believed me a little more after that.

starving + bleeding