i've been with my current therapist, Dr A, since October. i know it hasn't been that long, but the thing is, i'm not getting any better. in fact i think it would be safe to say that i've gotten worse. i don't blame him at all - he's wonderful and maybe at some point things will change.

the problem is me. what the hell is WRONG with me?? why can't i change? i feel like there's all these things i need to do, ways that i know i could change for the better. i just can't seem to do it. and i'm so afraid he's getting frustrated with me. maybe he dreads seeing me - "oh here she comes. wonder what crisis happened now. i wish i'd never agreed to see her..." i'm tired of myself being the same old drag. i'm that way here too...maybe y'all think that too, i don't know. but i'm immobile. i just can't get out of the trap that is my head - and i should be able to by now!!

ugghgh i'm so frustrated. i'm seeing him tomorrow and i am not looking forward to saying the same old thing. "i feel like shit. no i don't know why. i cut. i'm not eating. i can't stand feeling this way."

you could just record me and play me twice a week and you'd get the same damn thing.

starving + bleeding