finally have my lifeline (ie the internet) back in place...

moving is exhausting. the official move was last friday, and we're still putting things in their place, hanging curtains, etc, plus still buying those little things that you just don't think about when you move...like flour, garbage bags, soap, a shower curtain... it's really gotten expensive...

It's so...wierd, i guess. i'm not living with tony anymore. my partner for two years just...pfft...gone like that. it's so strange how another person fills the corners of your life. even if you're not talking, there's someone still...there. even if they're not home...they're still there...i didn't realize how pervasive it is until it was gone - til i was standing in my room alone and there's nothing in the corners of my life except blank air.

one thing i was worried about moving out...from past experiences i know that when i'm living alone (i know, technically i have a roommate but she's really never here) i roll out my depression like a blanket and just curl up inside it...sinking lower and lower and becoming more and more self destructive. i'm already drinking more...cutting has been ridiculous...i actually had to go to the ER the other night because i needed stiches...nine of them, to be exact...i've prolly cut myself more in the last five days then i have in the last two months...it's disgusting but i can't stop. and i brought cereal into this house...nothing is more dangerous binge wise than cereal. i'm already sinking and it's getting tough to come up for air.

plus i'm getting frustrated with therapy. i know i've only been seeing Dr. A for about 6 months (2x a week) but i am just not fucking feeling any better. i leave practically every session feeling like shit. i'm cutting more than ever. don't even talk about food and drinking. i just want to fucking die...

i told him today that i wanted to stop taking all my meds. no point, seeing as how i feel like shit, i might as well feel like shit without all these chemicals. he said we'd discuss it on monday. i don't know - i feel like shit...but i've been on meds since 2003...is there a chance i'd feel even worse (if possible?) who knows...

time to eat more fucking cereal...

starving + bleeding