i have never felt comfortable in this world.

deep inside i have always felt this gnawing feeling that the world is wrong. i don't mean like wrong in the "matrix" sort of wrong but...wrong. far too often i find myself outside myself - watching myself go through the motions and say words that don't even feel like they came from my head. they just somehow originate from my tongue and spring out of my mouth.

it is so painful to me how little my life is, how little life is in general. the sheer mediocrity of everything i see and the lives i see and my own life twists my heart and makes me want to die. there should be more than this and there just isn't. and every second of every day that thought scrapes the inside of my skin raw and leaves me with the feeling that i'm about to vomit.

i'm the circus performer and the world is the bed of nails i'm forced to lay on. but it isn't fire that's there for me to swallow. it's a sugar free tic-tac.

starving + bleeding