seriously, there must be something wrong with me...

i can't stand this september 11th tribute-ing. i won't read the articles, the memories of how life was "before," the personal accounts, the "where were you when..." stories...i can't stand it. i avoid everything to do with it at any cost, and let me tell you, with the current media saturation is quite a difficult task...

even now - t is watching a retrospective and i'm huddled at the computer, headphones blaring so loud i'm positive i'm doing permanent damage, but i just can't. i can't take the risk i might overhear a scream, a thud, a smash. a month ago, he wanted to watch the preview for "world trade center" online and i ran back to our bedroom and buried myself under the covers before i could possibly hear the first note. right now, i'm terrified to turn around for fear i might catch a glimpse of something that i just don't want to see.

and the crazy thing is - i'm sure i've seen it already. like most people, the day of and several days after i was glued to the tv...now, the thought of it even touching my mind fills me with the greatest panic and fear - i honestly don't know why. i feel like i'm being forced to relive my worst nightmare over and over, except of course this is real. i don't know if it's denial, if it's trying not to deal with it, if it's fear that it might happen again - but it's definitely a fear of some sort...a fear that i'm clumsily trying to explain yet coming nowhere close

starving + bleeding