my first diaryland entry was over two years ago...10.12.03...two hundred thirty-some-odd entries later...not counting the ones deleted in a fit of paranoia...has anything changed? really?

i guess i'm feeling reflective as my birthday is coming up - 10 days and i'll be 26...i was 23 at my first entry...will i still be writing here about the same shit when i'm 30? 35? i'm fat, ugly, want to carve myself up into a million pieces, etc etc etc?? plus the minutuae of everyday life?

my biggest fear was always that i'd get to the end of my life and realize in horror that it was wasted. that i made the wrong choices. that i was out of time to start over. for the zillionth time.

but perhaps i should look at it differently. if this is my fate then i should accept it and stop trying to fight it - then at the end i can only say that i lived my life the way it was supposed to be lived...whatever god is out there has given me this mind, this body...who am i to fight it? or is that the coward's way out?

if there was a better way to go then it would find me
i can't help it the road just rolls out behind me
be kind to me
or treat me mean
i make the most of it
i'm an extraordinary machine.

the new fiona is fabulous, BTW.

starving + bleeding