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yeah.

i keep having dreams about my old therapist at school. last one was really powerful - i was walking out the door, giving up, and she started reading her notes telling me all the comments she made about what a fighter i was and how amazing i've been. i don't know that she wrote that or anything...but it made me feel good, and guilty about giving up.

because even with all the progress i made with her, things are starting to get fucked up again. i'm drinking heavily again...want to cut...eating is totally shot...and the old i-hate-myself-why-can't-i-just-die feelings are here again. they were temporarily put to rest b/c of the happiness that comes with a new love, but their slumber was short.

i had a therapist here but i stopped seeing her because, frankly, she was a student and had no idea what to do with me. but going to the university clinic is all i can afford (ie free).

i am so fucking tempted to sink. i know i've had a somewhat normal life the past few months out of sheer willpower. i'm tired...can't i just give in?? back to the comfort of misery?

i'm so tired.

starving + bleeding