i think i want to escape - escape the world, escape reality, escape everything - it's too much, it's just all too much - the world, i can't handle it. it appears to the world that i have nothing but air on my shoulders but instead there are anvils - i am a beast of burden carrying a yoke with two tons on each side - but what is this weight? Where did it come from? Is it the weight of the past? the pressure of the impending future? did others pile the weight on? or have i done this to myself, subconsciously adding it ounce by ounce over the years, so many years until now i can't stand at all, only hunch over with the aid of vile, venomous serpents holding me up when really they are poisoning me, dragging me down further until my blood turns to liquid and i break in half. Are they dragging me down by pulling at my wrists or are they merely adding weight to the burden? All i know now is that my chin is at my knees and all i fear is that i've somehow, murderously, done this to myself.

My last conversation with J. made me realize something - everything that comforts me, that makes me feel safe, that soothes me, is potentially an agent for perpetuating this existence.

i want a real life. i really do. but how can i possibly revamp my entire psyche? for 18 years this has been my way of thinking, my way of feeling, my way of comfort - how can that simply be given up? what would come in it's place? perhaps something more terrifying, more debilitating?

What if nothing came at all?

Then what?

when i think of change i imagine myself naked, sleeping under the warmest, thickest blanket you can imagine, so warm and comforting, like lying near a fireplace - warm and curled up.

Except underneath the perfect cozy blanket - mites and fleas and bugs are chomping at my flesh - slowly eating away at my very presence.

i think of change-

i think of that blanket- that warmth, that comfort, the unnoticed consumption being ripped away- i am left naked, curled up and skin turning blue from the cold - my consumers left with the blanket- but someone grabs my ankles and forces my legs down and apart. i am nude and spread and freezing. and although the consumption has stopped i am never warm again - i never sleep again

instead i drive myself mad with the visions and the cold and the nakedness

there is nothing to comfort me then - i am truly mad-

is that not worse than allowing the demons a bite or two now and again??

starving + bleeding