feeling better---i suppose. yesterday was good, not so much today...it's the sameness of it all, the one level. it gets boring, being miserable all the time.

my counselor asked me what i felt when i cut. i told her it was a release, allowing the pain to break through the skin and leave my body. i also told her that i felt a masochistic pleasure in the knowledge that i was hurting myself.

i also told her that i loved doing it because it was concentrated pain. i knew the source, i knew exactly where it was. i could start it and i could stop it. i could see it and feel it and know exactly what caused it. and i could end it.

that's the only pain i have that's like that.

starving + bleeding