Argh i haven't lost any weight in two days - what the fuck is UP with that?!? just a half pound change, that's all i ask....come ONNNNNNNN puuuhhhllllleeeezzzzeeee????

met with regular counselor this morning. i talked to her about all the guilt i feel. guilty that she and my alkie counselor and my MD have to spend an hour each week listening to me whine about fucking shit. about how there are so many more people with more fucking worse problems in the world what the fuck do i have to bitch and moan about??

then she, the little minx, had me write down ten turning points in my life in a sort of timeline - i was so honest i can't even believe it myself - death of my brother, sexual abuse at 13, sexual abuse at 18, my mom going crazy and getting locked up, suicide attempts, etc etc etc...and she was like, so you think other people have had these things happen to them? i said probably, who the hell knows, no one knows it happened to me, right? and she was like, i can tell you that maybe one or two things but no one has all these things so STOP FEELING GUILTY!! i think she was pretty annoyed with me at that point.

but i still feel guilty. like i need to put everything in perspective. who am i to complain?

she asked me before i left if i was going to be able to keep my suicidal thoughts in check. i said yes. i'm not sure tho. i mean, it's hard for me to have them and not indulge them in my head. but will i carry them out this week? i think not.

before you slip
into unconsciousness
i'd like to have
another kiss
another flashing chance
at bliss
another kiss.....

starving + bleeding